A Baby’s Cry Read online

  ‘It could have been triggered by feeling a bit insecure about coming here,’ I said.

  Ava nodded. ‘I’ll have to write what she said in my log notes when I get home and tell Jill.’

  I nodded. ‘And if Ellie makes any disclosures while she’s staying with me I’ll do the same and also update you.’

  ‘Thanks, Cathy. There’s more to this fostering than my husband and I ever thought.’

  ‘I know,’ I smiled. ‘Looking after the child is only part of it. But you enjoy fostering?’

  ‘Oh yes, and we love Ellie already. Goodness knows how we’ll ever say goodbye.’

  ‘That’s one of the hardest parts of fostering,’ I said. ‘Having to say goodbye.’

  Ava and I continued talking – mainly about fostering – while we finished our tea, and Adrian played in the garden and the girls played upstairs. Then after about half an hour Ava said, ‘Well, I suppose we’d better be going now. Jill said to keep this visit short. Is it all right if I bring Ellie tomorrow at ten o’clock?’

  ‘Yes, that’s fine with me. Let’s show Ellie around the house before you go.’

  Not wishing to leave Harrison unattended in the bouncing cradle for any length of time, I scooped him up in my arms and then led the way out of the sitting room and down the hall, with Harrison gurgling at Ava over my shoulder and Ava making ‘baby noises’ to him as Jill had. Upstairs we went into Paula’s room, where the girls had finished playing with the doll’s house and were now looking at a book together.

  ‘Time to go, love,’ Ava said gently to Ellie. Ellie obediently stood and came to Ava’s side. ‘Thanks for looking after Ellie,’ Ava said to Paula. Paula smiled.

  ‘I’m going to show Ellie and Ava around the house,’ I said to Paula. ‘Are you coming too?’

  Paula nodded; she was used to helping me show foster children around the house, whether they were staying for a few days or indefinitely, and it was important she felt included. Paula joined me at the bedroom door and the two of us led the way round the landing to what would be Ellie’s bedroom for the week she stayed.

  ‘This is where you will sleep,’ Paula explained.

  ‘This is nice, isn’t it, Ellie?’ Ava enthused.

  Ellie gave a small nod and then took hold of a clump of Ava’s skirt again as insecurity reasserted itself.

  ‘I know you like to sleep with your bedroom light on,’ I reassured Ellie. ‘And you’ll be bringing your favourite toys with you and your own clothes.’ Which might not have been obvious to Ellie, as it was the first time she’d stayed away from Ava overnight.

  Ellie didn’t say anything. She held on to Ava’s skirt as Paula and I led the way to Adrian’s room, where I opened the door, and they both glanced in. Then we continued round to the bathroom and to my bedroom.

  ‘This is where I sleep,’ I said to Ellie. ‘So if you wake in the night you know where to find me. I always leave a landing light on, so the house is never dark.’

  ‘That’s good, isn’t it, Ellie?’ Ava said encouragingly. ‘Cathy’s house is very similar upstairs to our house, isn’t it?’ But Ellie wasn’t impressed.

  We went downstairs and Paula and I showed Ellie and Ava the front room; then we went down the hall. I was going to turn right to show them the kitchen but Ellie stopped and pulled on Ava’s skirt. Clearly Ellie didn’t want to go into the kitchen and I wondered if it had anything to do with the kitchen knives that had been used to terrorize her mother. Who knew what pictures of abuse Ellie carried in her head?

  There was no need for Ellie to see the kitchen, so we went straight into the sitting room instead. ‘Look at this lovely garden,’ Ava said to Ellie, encouraging her to go over to the French windows. ‘There’s Adrian. You’ll be able to play outside too on a fine day.’

  Ellie, still holding Ava’s skirt, gave a small nod but I saw her bottom lip tremble. Although Ellie was finding her visit difficult now she would have felt far more insecure and frightened had she just arrived the following morning without a preliminary visit and therefore completely unfamiliar with our house.

  I opened the French windows and called to Adrian: ‘Ellie and Ava are going now.’

  He looked up from the sandpit, where he was filling a dumper truck with sand, and gave a little wave. ‘Bye,’ he called.

  ‘Goodbye, Adrian,’ Ava called brightly. ‘See you tomorrow.’

  Ellie didn’t say anything but Harrison, still in my arms, gurgled happily. Paula and I then saw Ava and Ellie to the front door, where Ava thanked me again for agreeing to look after Ellie.

  ‘You’re welcome,’ I said, and then to Ellie: ‘We’re all looking forward to you coming tomorrow.’ But I could tell from Ellie’s face she certainly wasn’t.

  I closed the front door and thanked Paula for her help, although I noticed she was now looking very serious too.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I asked.

  ‘Mum,’ she said frowning, ‘Ellie said something really strange to me while we were playing. It was horrible.’

  ‘What?’ I asked, alarm bells ringing.

  ‘She asked if we had a cupboard under the stairs,’ Paula said. ‘I said yes but it wasn’t interesting. It just had junk in it. Then Ellie asked me if you ever shut me in there when I had been naughty. I said, “No, of course not.” Then she said that’s what happened at her mother’s house.’

  Paula (and Adrian) had heard other children we’d fostered disclose abuse and both children knew they had to tell me at the first opportunity.

  ‘I’m pleased you told me,’ I said. ‘That was the right thing to do. Ellie was treated very badly at home. Ava told me Ellie’s scared of the dark because she was shut in a dark cupboard. That could also explain why she didn’t want to go into the kitchen,’ I added, thinking aloud. ‘You have to go past the cupboard under the stairs to go into the kitchen. I thought she was staring at that cupboard when she refused to see the kitchen.’

  ‘It’s horrible to shut someone in a dark cupboard,’ Paula said, her brow creasing. ‘Poor little Ellie.’

  ‘Yes. And it’s possible that when Ellie stays she may tell you other things that have happened to her. It’s important you tell me so that Ellie can be helped to overcome what has happened to her,’ I reminded her.

  ‘I know,’ Paula said, and then asked thoughtfully. ‘Mum, why do some parents hurt their children when they are supposed to love them?’

  ‘I wish I knew,’ I sighed. I looked at Paula, so innocent, and like any child brought up in a normal loving family was unable to comprehend a parent hurting their child. Obviously I told off Paula (and Adrian) sometimes and occasionally got annoyed, just as most parents do, but that’s a far cry from intentionally harming or scaring a child.

  ‘Sometimes the parents were treated badly when they were children,’ I offered, ‘and they don’t understand it’s wrong.’ But of course most adults who were abused as children do not go on to abuse their own children – just the opposite, in fact: aware that bad things can and do happen they go to great lengths to protect and cherish their children and keep them safe.

  ‘I hope Ellie doesn’t tell me any more bad things,’ Paula said, as we went down the hall and to the garden. ‘It makes me sad.’

  ‘I know, love. I hope so too.’

  Chapter Twelve

  A Demon Exorcized

  The following morning Adrian, Paula and I were up, showered and dressed in plenty of time for Ellie’s arrival at ten o’clock. Harrison, or Harry as Paula always called him, had had his bottle and was awake in his bouncing cradle in the sitting room. I was finding that the periods during the day when he was awake were growing longer and that when he was awake he was alert and interested in everything around him. There’d been no further sighting of the woman in the street and, to be honest, my thoughts had been taken up with the busy end of term and now preparing for (and worrying about) Ellie’s stay.

  When the doorbell rang at 10.05 I asked Adrian, who was doing a puzzle in the sitting room, if
he could watch Harrison while Paula came with me to answer the door, ‘in case Ellie needs persuading to come in’, I said.

  But to my great relief when I opened the door Ellie wasn’t crying; indeed she managed to look at me and even raised a tiny smile for Paula.

  ‘Hi. Good to see you again,’ I said, as Paula stepped forward and took Ellie’s hand.

  ‘And you,’ Ava said. ‘We’ve had a good morning so far.’ So I guessed Ellie hadn’t been too upset as they’d left home.

  Ellie was holding a pretty glittering Cinderella bag while Ava was carrying a suitcase. ‘That’s a lovely bag,’ I said to Ellie as they came into the hall. Ellie gave a small shy nod.

  ‘There’s a purse in her bag,’ Ava said, putting down the suitcase. ‘Ellie has some spending money and there are also some sweets in the bag. She just has a couple of sweets a day after her dinner. She’s very good about rationing herself.’

  ‘We’ll do the same here,’ I said, smiling at Ellie. I moved the suitcase to one side in the hall out of the walkway, to unpack later.

  ‘I’ve written down Ellie’s routine etc.,’ Ava said, handing me a sheet of A4 paper. It’s usual to give the respite carer a résumé of the child’s routine; details of any medication the child might be taking; food preferences including special dietary requirements; allergies; doctor’s and social worker’s contact details; and anything else the carer might need to look after the child.

  ‘Would you like a quick cup of coffee?’ I offered.

  ‘No, thank you,’ Ava said. ‘I’ll say goodbye. I’m going straight to the station. Bob, my husband, is looking after the boys for the weekend and then taking them to my sister’s tomorrow evening.’

  ‘I hope your brother’s a little better,’ I said. ‘And please don’t worry about Ellie. She’ll be fine with us.’

  ‘Thank you, Cathy. I’ll phone mid-week. Ellie’s contact is on Wednesday,’ Ava reminded me. ‘I’ve put the time on the sheet.’

  I nodded. As Ava now bent forward to hug and kiss Ellie goodbye, Ellie dropped Paula’s hand and threw her arms around Ava’s neck, hugging and kissing her for all she was worth. In the four months Ellie had lived with Ava she had clearly built up a strong bond with her and I could see there was a lot of affection from Ava for Ellie as well. After a few moments Ava slowly drew away and straightened, while not letting go of Ellie’s hands. ‘Now I want you to be a big brave girl when I go,’ Ava said, standing in front of Ellie and looking her in the eyes. ‘A week isn’t a long time, so I would like a nice smile when you wave me off at the door. Do you think you can do that for me?’

  Ellie nodded but I wasn’t convinced she would. Ava gave Ellie a final hug and a kiss and then said ‘Bye’ to us all. She turned and went down the path while I put my hand lightly on Ellie’s shoulder – partly to reassure her and also to stop her if she tried to run after Ava. But Ellie stood between Paula and me and smiled bravely and waved as Ava got in the car and then drove away.

  It was only after I closed the door that Ellie burst into tears. ‘I want Ava,’ she sobbed. ‘I want to go with her.’

  I put my arms around her and, drawing her to me, sat with her on my lap on the bottom stair. ‘You go into the sitting room with Adrian,’ I said to Paula, for I knew Ellie’s sobbing would soon upset Paula.

  Paula did as I asked, while I cuddled and rocked Ellie. She was relaxed in my arms, rather like a large baby. ‘Ava will be back in a week,’ I soothed. ‘And while she’s away I’ll look after you and keep you safe, just as she does.’

  I stroked her hair, wiped the tears from her eyes and eventually Ellie’s crying began to subside and then finally stopped. ‘That’s better,’ I said. ‘There’s nothing to worry about. Let’s find the box of tissues so you can blow your nose.’

  I gave Ellie another hug and then eased her off my lap and on to her feet. She looked up at me, her eyes red from crying but also wide and watchful as though on the lookout for danger. I’d seen that look before in badly abused children. They never completely relax and are continually in a state of alert, as though expecting danger to strike at any moment. It’s an inbuilt survival response and it can take years before the child feels safe enough to completely relax, especially in an unfamiliar setting.

  I took Ellie’s hand and gently led her down the hall, and was about to turn right to go into the kitchen, where I kept a box of tissues, when Ellie stopped dead. She stared at the cupboard under the stairs and refused to walk past, as she had done on her visit the day before, only now I was aware what the problem might be.

  ‘You wait there, then,’ I said to Ellie, ‘while I fetch the tissues from the kitchen. Then we’ll deal with that cupboard.’

  I smiled at Ellie as she looked at me, wide-eyed and questioning, and I quickly went into the kitchen for the tissues. The understairs cupboard was similar to those in many other houses, although I guessed Ava’s house didn’t have one; otherwise I was certain Ava would have mentioned it to me and the reaction it would have caused in Ellie when she’d first arrived at Ava’s house. Returning to the hall I found Ellie flattened back against the wall, staring at the cupboard door from a distance. I wiped her eyes and then gave her a tissue to blow her nose. She didn’t say anything but all the time kept staring at the cupboard door and looking very fearful. Who knew what thoughts were going through Ellie’s mind?

  ‘Everything all right, Mum?’ Adrian called from the sitting room.

  ‘We’ll be with you in a minute,’ I returned.

  I smiled again at Ellie and then knelt down so that I was at her eye level. ‘I’m guessing there was a cupboard like this one where you lived with your mum and Shane?’ I asked gently. ‘Am I right?’

  Ellie’s eyes widened with a mixture of fear and surprise; then she gave a small nod.

  ‘But I don’t think Ava has a cupboard like this one, does she?’

  Ellie shook her head.

  ‘Paula told me you asked her if I ever shut her in the cupboard and she told you no, never. I believe she also told you that I store things in the cupboard that we don’t often use. So in a minute, when you are ready, I’m going to open the door and show you what’s inside.’

  Ellie’s eyes widened even further as she looked from me to the cupboard and back again.

  ‘Only when you are ready,’ I said. ‘First I need to tell you something very important.’

  Ellie continued to stare at me, so small and vulnerable. A lump rose in my throat at the thought of what I was about to say, although I knew it needed to be said. ‘Ellie, love,’ I began, ‘I would never shut you or any child in a cupboard. Not in this cupboard or any cupboard. It is a very bad thing to do, as I’m sure Ava has told you. Most adults would never do such a horrible thing. I want you to remember that.’ This would have been obvious to most children but not to Ellie. She had lived in two houses (to my knowledge) – her mother’s and Ava’s. In one house she was shut in a dark cupboard and in the other she wasn’t, so in Ellie’s experience there was a 50 per cent chance it might happen again.

  Ellie’s gaze flickered to the cupboard and then returned to me as I continued: ‘Adrian and Paula will tell you that if they are naughty, which isn’t often, they lose some television time. That’s all. They are never ever shut in anywhere, or hurt or frightened as a punishment. It is a bad thing to hurt or frighten a child. Most adults don’t do it. Also, Ellie, it is impossible to get shut in this cupboard or any cupboard in this house by accident. All the doors can be opened from the inside.’ (It was a fostering safety requirement.) ‘Do you understand, love?’

  She gave a small nod and I stood from kneeling. ‘OK, I’m going to open the cupboard door now and show you what’s inside.’

  Ellie stared at me but didn’t cry or say no. Then Paula, having heard us from the sitting room and realizing she could be of help, appeared in the hall and silently slid her hand into Ellie’s. I smiled at her.

  Turning, I took the couple of steps to the cupboard and opened the door, which h
ad a magnetic surface catch. It opened with a small click as the two magnets separated and Ellie gasped. I looked at her and smiled reassuringly as Paula held her hand. I opened and closed the cupboard door a few times, showing her how easily it opened. Then I reached in and flicked on the switch for the light, which to my shame illuminated a real mess.

  ‘It’s got a light inside!’ Ellie said quietly to Paula.

  ‘Yes,’ Paula said.

  ‘Yes, it has,’ I emphasized, as I gazed at the contents of the cupboard, which I kept meaning to clear out. ‘The switch for the light is in the cupboard,’ I pointed out. ‘And the cupboard door can be opened from the inside simply by pushing the door. It’s not a good idea to shut yourself in any cupboard,’ I said, more to Paula than Ellie, who I was sure, after her experience, would never dream of playing hide and seek in a cupboard. ‘But I am now going to shut myself in this cupboard to show you I can get out.’ My amateur psychology said it would help exorcize Ellie’s fear of not only this cupboard but, I hoped, cupboards in general.

  Ellie watched dumbfounded as I stepped over a box of vinyl records and to the side of a pile of bathroom tiles and into the cupboard. Wedging myself between an upright hoover and an old standard lamp I pulled the door to. I didn’t keep the door closed for long – only for a couple of seconds – and then I pushed it open. ‘Hey presto!’ I said, stepping out of the cupboard like a magician appearing from a magic box.

  Ellie looked at me, still concerned (possibly for my sanity), while Paula laughed.

  I repeated the performance. I stepped inside the cupboard, pulled the door to, and then pushed it open and leapt out, this time with a big ‘Hello!’ By the time I’d repeated the act a third and fourth time Ellie was actually laughing and Paula was saying, ‘You are silly, Mum.’

  ‘OK, show over,’ I said.