The Silent Cry Read online

  ‘Baby,’ Paula said as I opened their gate.

  ‘Yes, that’s right. We are going in to see if we can visit baby Liam and Laura,’ I said. Paula grinned.

  I parked the stroller to one side of the porch and, holding Paula’s hand, pressed the doorbell. It was answered almost immediately by Geraldine, who didn’t seem unduly surprised to see me.

  ‘Laura’s up, but not dressed,’ she said rather brusquely.

  ‘Would you give these flowers to her, please?’ I said, assuming from her comment that it wasn’t convenient for me to go in.

  ‘You can give them to her yourself,’ she said equally bluntly.

  ‘Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude.’ But Geraldine was already holding the door wider for us to go in.

  ‘She’s in the living room,’ Geraldine said in the same terse manner and nodding down the hall. ‘Sorry about the telephone call on Friday. Laura wasn’t herself.’

  ‘Oh. That’s OK,’ I said, surprised that she’d mentioned it. ‘How is she now?’

  ‘Fine,’ she said, and led the way down the hall and into the living room. Laura was sitting on the sofa in her dressing gown breastfeeding Liam, and she did appear fine.

  ‘Lovely to see you,’ she said, looking up and smiling.

  ‘Baby,’ Paula said.

  ‘He’s gorgeous,’ I said. ‘Absolutely beautiful.’

  ‘Thank you. Hi,’ Laura said to Paula. Paula hid her face shyly against my leg.

  ‘A few flowers for you,’ I said, offering the colourful bouquet.

  ‘That is kind of you. Thank you,’ Laura replied easily.

  ‘I’ll put them in a vase,’ Geraldine said, stepping forward. I passed her the flowers. ‘Would you like a coffee?’ she asked.

  ‘Only if you are making one.’

  ‘I don’t drink coffee,’ she replied curtly.

  ‘I’d like one,’ Laura said.

  Geraldine gave a stiff nod and went out of the room.

  ‘Are you sure you don’t mind me dropping by like this?’ I asked Laura.

  ‘No, of course not. I’m pleased to see you. I wasn’t going anywhere. Sit down, and thanks for the flowers.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  I slipped off my jacket, took Paula’s jacket off and draped them over the back of a chair. As I sat down Paula scrambled onto my lap.

  ‘He is a beautiful baby,’ I said.

  ‘He looks like his dad,’ Laura said.

  ‘I can see you in him too. He’s got your nose and chin.’

  She smiled. ‘Mum said that as well.’ Laura seemed more like her old self – the person I’d walked back from school with – quietly spoken, pleasant, unassuming and a little on the shy side. Liam stopped feeding and she began to wind him, gently rubbing his back until he burped. Paula giggled.

  ‘So how are you doing?’ I asked Laura.

  ‘OK. Sorry about last Friday. I nearly phoned back to apologize. I’d had a blazing argument with Andy, and Geraldine said you’d seen it all. I was in a right state when I phoned you, but I’m fine now.’

  ‘No worries. We all have family upsets.’

  ‘I suppose so. Although I’m rather sensitive at present and tend to take things personally and get upset. But I’m fine now. How are you? How’s the fostering? Geraldine said she saw you in the playground with a little boy.’

  ‘Yes, he’s gone home now. He was just with me for a day and a night to help out his mother.’

  Laura nodded. As we talked we could hear Geraldine moving around in the kitchen and then go down the hall. Presently she came in with two cups of coffee and a plate of digestive biscuits on a tray, which she placed on the coffee table.

  ‘Thank you,’ I said.

  She gave a stiff nod. ‘I’ve put the flowers in the front room,’ she said to Laura. ‘If he’s finished, I’ll put him in his cot.’

  Laura wrapped the shawl around Liam and carefully passed him up to Geraldine, who carried him out of the room.

  ‘He sleeps now,’ Laura said. ‘Help yourself to coffee and biscuits.’

  I moved Paula from my lap and onto the seat beside me so I could drink my coffee. She was still shy and kept close but pointed to the biscuits. I passed her one. There weren’t any toys in the room; I guessed Kim probably kept hers in her bedroom and Liam wasn’t really old enough for toys yet.

  Laura took a sip of her coffee and then leant back on the sofa with a small sigh. ‘I guess it’s normal to feel exhausted when you’ve had a baby.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ I said. ‘I was. Up every three hours at night for feeding, and all the hormones rushing around.’

  ‘Yes, those hormones,’ she said with another sigh. ‘Andy says it’s the hormones.’

  ‘But Geraldine is a big help?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes.’ She glanced at the door as though checking Geraldine couldn’t hear, and then lowered her voice. ‘I know this sounds really ungrateful, but sometimes I resent her being here. I mean, I need her help, but I wish she wasn’t so bloody right the whole time. I guess that’s mother-in-laws for you.’

  I smiled understandingly.

  ‘Did you feel low after you’d had your babies?’ Laura now asked, looking at Paula.

  ‘I was very tired, but thankfully I didn’t get the baby blues,’ I said. She took another sip of her coffee but kept her eyes down. ‘Why? Are you feeling depressed?’ I asked.

  She gave a small nod and set her cup carefully in the saucer. ‘Sometimes, then at other times I’m as high as a kite. Irrational and ridiculously happy. Do you think that’s the hormones too?’

  ‘It could be. Have you seen a doctor?’

  ‘No. I’m not ill, just a bit down. That’s why Geraldine spends so much time here.’

  I nodded. ‘And you don’t think you should see the doctor or tell the midwife? They might be able to suggest something to help.’

  ‘No. I’ll be OK. I got over it last time with Kim. I guess it’s the luck of the draw. Geraldine never had it with any of hers, but my mother did.’ She stopped, as Geraldine could be heard in the hall and then came into the room.

  ‘You’re not overdoing it, are you?’ she said to Laura, and I wondered if she’d overheard.

  ‘No!’ Laura said, with the briefest flash of resentment.

  ‘I think it’s time you showered and dressed,’ Geraldine said to her.

  ‘In a moment,’ Laura replied. ‘There’s no rush. It’s not as if I have to be anywhere.’

  I thought it was time to go. ‘I’ll be making a move then,’ I said. Geraldine hovered as I quickly finished my coffee and then returned the cup and saucer to the tray. ‘Thanks for the coffee,’ I said to her and, standing, I took our jackets from the chair back.

  ‘Will you come again soon?’ Laura asked, with a plea in her voice.

  ‘Yes. I’d like to. When is convenient?’ I helped Paula into her jacket.

  ‘Any day. I’ll be here. Every day if you like,’ Laura said with a small laugh.

  ‘But we do have things to do,’ Geraldine said flatly, looking at her.

  ‘What about Thursday or Friday afternoon?’ I suggested.

  ‘Yes, Thursday,’ Laura said quickly. ‘I’ll look forward to it.’

  ‘You can come to me if you wish,’ I said, putting on my jacket.

  ‘Best if you come here,’ Geraldine said. ‘One o’clock on Thursday should be convenient.’

  I looked at Laura for confirmation and she nodded resignedly.

  ‘I’ll see you Thursday then,’ I said. I assumed I wouldn’t be seeing Laura in the playground before then.

  Leaving her sitting on the sofa, I took Paula’s hand and we went down the hall. Geraldine saw us out.

  ‘Thank you for the flowers,’ she said before she closed the door.

  I lifted Paula into the stroller and fastened her safety harness. ‘Baby,’ she said.

  ‘Yes, baby Liam is having a sleep,’ I said.

  ‘Bye,’ she said.

  ‘Good
girl.’

  I pushed the stroller down the front garden path and onto the pavement. I feel there is a fine line between assisting someone in a positive way when they need help, and completely taking over, so the person loses confidence and comes to rely too heavily on their caregiver. It was something I was aware of in fostering and strove to avoid. While I was sure Geraldine meant well in looking after her family, from what I’d seen she was doing far too much for Laura and had taken over, dominating her and making decisions for her. True, I hadn’t taken an immediate liking to the woman, but that may have been a personality clash. What concerned me now was that she appeared to have reduced Laura to a childlike state so that she relied on her for everything, and Laura was starting to resent this, understandably. I liked Laura – she was the type of person I’d want to be friends with – and clearly she’d wanted me to visit again. It was a pity I couldn’t persuade her to visit me on Thursday. I felt that not only would the change of scenery have done her good, but it would also have given her a break from her mother-in-law.

  When I collected Adrian from school that afternoon Geraldine made a point of nodding in my direction but didn’t speak. I returned a pleasant smile. She left the playground as soon as she had Kim, and they were nowhere in sight when we began the slow walk up our road. At home I found a message on the answerphone from Shelley’s social worker, thanking me for looking after Darrel at such short notice. She said she’d spoken to Shelley that morning and her mouth felt a lot better now. I was grateful she’d found the time in her busy work schedule to let me know. Not all social workers would have done that and it was very thoughtful of her. Adrian, who’d heard the message, was also pleased Shelley was feeling better.

  ‘So she’ll be able to sing to Darrel tonight,’ he said.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure she will.’

  With no foster child to look after, I made the most of any free time I had to continue writing my dissertation – when Paula had her morning nap, and also in the evening when she and Adrian were in bed. The subject of my dissertation, education and children in care, was a subject I felt passionately about, as so many children in the care system failed to reach their full academic potential. I was exploring the reasons why this should be so and what could be done to reverse the trend. It was a big subject, although one that had received surprisingly little research and had only seldom been addressed. I worked on my dissertation again on Thursday morning while Paula had her nap. After lunch I put some of her toys in the ‘baby bag’, together with her trainer cup and a change of nappy, and explained to her that we were going to see baby Liam and his mother, Laura.

  ‘Lawwah,’ Paula said, making a good attempt at pronouncing her name.

  ‘Yes, Laura.’

  ‘Lawwah, Lawwah,’ she repeated, and then broke into fits of giggles. I kissed her cheek.

  It was a fine, sunny day, so we didn’t need our jackets. I let Paula walk down the street to number 53, but I took the stroller nonetheless. I didn’t know how long I’d be staying at Laura’s, so I wasn’t sure if I’d have time to return home first or if I’d have to go straight to school to collect Adrian.

  ‘Baby,’ Paula predictably said as I pushed open the garden gate.

  ‘Yes, we are going to see baby Liam and Laura.’

  ‘Lawwah, Lawwah,’ she said, chuckling.

  I parked the stroller on one side of the porch, unhooked the baby bag and then pressed the doorbell, but no one answered. I waited and pressed the bell again. ‘She did say Thursday,’ I said out loud, wondering if I’d got the wrong day.

  ‘Fursday,’ Paula repeated, not knowing what I meant.

  The door suddenly opened and Geraldine stood before me, looking uncharacteristically flustered. ‘I was going to phone you to cancel, but I couldn’t find your number.’

  ‘Oh. Do you want me to come back another day? Laura has my phone number.’

  ‘I know, but she wouldn’t give it to me – I mean, she couldn’t find it,’ she quickly corrected herself.

  I wasn’t sure if I was being admitted or not. Paula stood beside me, holding my hand.

  ‘Well, you may as well come in now you’re here, I suppose,’ Geraldine said tersely, opening the door wider. ‘Or she won’t be pleased. But best keep your visit short. Laura hasn’t been up long.’

  ‘Oh dear. Is she ill?’ I asked, concerned and feeling this was the most likely explanation for someone staying in bed all morning. She didn’t reply, so I helped Paula over the doorstep and into the hall.

  ‘She’s in the living room,’ Geraldine said.

  She turned and I followed her down the hall with some apprehension, not knowing what to expect. I sensed an atmosphere, although I wasn’t sure why. Laura was sitting on the sofa, gazing into space. I thought she looked pale and tired, and had possibly been crying. There was no sign of Liam.

  ‘Hello,’ I said, smiling as we entered.

  ‘I’ll leave you to it then,’ Geraldine said stiffly, and went out, leaving the living room door wide open.

  ‘Are you all right?’ I asked, going over to Laura.

  She shook her head, but didn’t speak. Standing, she crossed to the living-room door and pushed it shut so hard it slammed. Paula jumped; it made me start too. She returned to the sofa and burst into tears.

  ‘Oh, love, what’s wrong?’ I asked, going over and sitting beside her.

  ‘Everything,’ she sobbed. ‘Everything.’ Paula stood close to me, looking very worried

  ‘It’s OK,’ I reassured Paula. ‘You can play with your toys while I look after Laura.’ I quickly took the toys I’d brought with us from the bag and settled her on the floor, close by my feet. I put my arm around Laura’s shoulder and tried to comfort her as she silently wept. I was half expecting Geraldine to reappear – she must have heard the door slam – but she didn’t.

  ‘It’s all right,’ I said to Laura.

  I held her until she was calmer and then she took out a packet of tissues she had tucked beside her on the sofa. ‘Sorry,’ she said, peeling a tissue from the packet and wiping her eyes. ‘I’m having a bad day.’ Fresh tears formed.

  ‘I understand,’ I said, gently rubbing her arm. ‘Is there anything in particular upsetting you? Anything I can help you with?’ I appreciated how easily things can get on top of you if you are tired and feeling low; even the ironing can seem like an insurmountable task.

  She shook her head. ‘No. If only it was that simple.’ She twisted and pulled at the tissue. ‘I feel so useless the whole time. I can’t seem to do anything right. I get stressed about the simplest of things, even making a cup of tea or answering the phone, so I don’t do anything, because I can’t cope. I feel tired the whole time and I can’t be bothered to move. Last night I lay in bed listening to Liam crying to be fed, but I didn’t have the energy to get up and feed him. Andy had to get up and bring him to me, and then, when he’d finished feeding, he changed him and settled him back in his cot. We agreed I’d do the night feeds, as he has to go to work, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. Then this morning when Geraldine arrived at seven he told her.’

  ‘She arrives that early?’ I asked, slightly surprised.

  ‘Yes, that’s when Andy has to leave for work. They make sure one of them is here with me the whole time.’ She gave a small sob and Paula looked up at her. I threw her a reassuring smile. ‘I know I’m useless,’ Laura said. ‘But Andy and his mother don’t help. They talk about me behind my back, and she tuts when I do something wrong. Or maybe it’s me being oversensitive, I don’t know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be going on at you like this – you haven’t come here to hear this – but I’m so miserable I don’t know what to do.’ She wiped away more tears.

  ‘It’s all right,’ I soothed. ‘Don’t feel embarrassed. We all feel down sometimes, but I am concerned. Have you seen a doctor yet?’

  ‘No. It will pass eventually. It did last time. I just have to get a grip. That’s what Geraldine says: “Get a grip.”’ She sniffed.


  ‘I’m not sure that’s the best advice,’ I said. ‘Sometimes we need help getting over these things. And there may be a physical reason why you’re feeling low. A friend of mine developed a thyroid problem after having her second child. She felt really low, with no energy, and she lost her appetite. She worried for weeks before she saw her doctor. He sent her for tests and the thyroid problem showed up. She was put on medication and within a week she was back to her old self. I really think you should see your doctor.’

  Laura shrugged despondently. ‘I don’t know. I’d have to phone the doctor to make the appointment, and I struggle making decisions about anything right now. I couldn’t even decide which babygrow to dress Liam in this morning. I mean, how daft is that? It was a choice between white or blue, and I panicked and froze. I just stood there, with him not dressed and getting cold. Then Geraldine heard him crying and came in. She wasn’t pleased. She said I should have called her sooner. She dressed him while I went back to bed. I like being in bed, asleep. It’s nice being unconscious. I think they like it too. I’m such a burden. I’m sure they’d all be better off without me. Sometimes I think I should do them a favour and kill myself.’

  Chapter Seven

  Upset

  I looked at Laura, more concerned than ever now. This was more than feeling down or having a bad day. It sounded to me as though she could be severely depressed.

  ‘I really think you should see a doctor,’ I said again. ‘I don’t understand what’s stopping you. You could be suffering from postnatal depression.’

  ‘Yes, I could be,’ she said. ‘But I don’t want it on my medical records. I got through it before with Kim without the doctor, and I will again.’